Mid-service

Mid-Service Conference (MSC) is exactly what it sounds like – a time halfway through our Peace Corps service when we all gather together in Bangkok for reflections, a look at the year ahead and some medical check-ups.  While it was great to see everyone and have our group back together for the first time in many months, things felt different this time.  We were back from the front lines of PCV service – we’d seen it all, done less than we’d expected, overcome challenges of all varieties and now things were different.  We were able to share stories of failed attempts at projects, small (albeit significant) successes, or the all too graphic poop story with which every PCV has an unfortunately intimate familiarity.  I couldn’t help but think we all felt a little beaten down from the last year while also feeling a bit overwhelmed at the fact that we were in for another year of this.  This mid-service crisis business is for real, and it’s not easy to get through.  We had some good times together during the week: lots of laughs, heartfelt conversations, dirty jokes, and shenanigans that naturally develop as a result of a night out in Bangkok.  Unfortunately two volunteers from our group were returning back to America the following week – two people that I considered good friends.  This experience is like nothing else, and the people here with me are people I’ll share a special bond with for the rest of my life.  They’re my Peace Corps family, and as cheesy as that sounds I realized just how true it was when I had to say goodbye to two of them. 

During our few days together we had a night designated for us, which included dinner and a ‘Creative Art’ night that invited anyone and everyone to share anything from a song to a skit to an interpretive dance.  We enjoyed performances from the Peace Corps staff and several volunteers.  I also decided to share something I’d written.  It started as a somewhat therapeutic task for myself and turned into something that I thought could be helpful if shared – a way to commiserate and verbalize some of the small but significant challenges we face every day as volunteers in Thailand.  I was surprised at the positive response I got as a result of sharing it and was happy I did.  It’s included at the end of this blog, and while you might not understand much of it unless you’ve been a PCV in Thailand, it presents an honest perspective from a seasoned one year volunteer.

PC staff original performance

Our last couple days in Bangkok included our medical and dental appointments as well as plenty of time to hang out and spend time with other volunteers.  We splurged on American food and enjoyed pizza and burgers and bagels and the small joys of being a part of a westernized society.  Instead of the usual hostel or small, basic, cheap room lodging, several of us joined funds and rented a condo in a high-rise, complete with air conditioning, skyline views and a private pool. 

Condo with a view: Bangkok sunset

From pizza and burgers in a high-rise condo in the middle of Bangkok to cheap noodles in the middle of the mountains in Petchabun, a group of us took a few days after our time in the city to decompress at my friend Brandon’s site in the province that divides the northern and northeastern regions of Thailand.  We make these crazily drastic transitions somewhat frequently in our Peace Corps experience – it’s never easy and it requires the flexibility that all PCVs must possess in order to make it through our 2+ years of experience.  Luckily this time we had cooler weather and some beautiful mountainous scenery to help us with the transition this time – and the company of a few fellow PCVs.  We all had mixed feelings about our conference and our time left as volunteers, and we were all affected by the fact that two of our people were headed back to America.  It was great to be in the company of friends as we gradually transitioned back to our small-town, rural Thailand lives.

Back in the country

Boating

Exploring the low river

Brandon showed us around and took us on a boat trip on the river by his house where we got to see lots and lots of different butterflies.  This is also the only place in Thailand that has small freshwater jellyfish, but unfortunately it had rained the days before, making the water cloudy enough that the jellyfish weren’t out.  The boat trip was quiet, relaxing and beautiful. 

The rest of the trip included a lot of lounging and relaxing as well as a trip to a local wat (temple) that was very unique and very different from all other temples in Thailand. 

So much detail everywhere, including the floors

We used self-timers on our cameras to get these jumping shots.  Between a few different cameras we've got a bunch of differently timed jumping shots.  We spent quite a bit of time trying to get it just right, because in Thailand, the photos are always important.

Stopped at a waterfall on the way home

We enjoyed delicious dinners at Brandon’s host family’s house and lunches at the local restaurant/convenience store.  We also got to make s’mores and have a small fire outside, which was really awesome – and they were delicious.  Feeling rested, relaxed and somewhat ready to head back to site, I made my way back to my home in northeast Thailand a couple days later.  

An open letter to Thailand and my Peace Corps Thailand experience

It’s hard to quantify our relationship with words, but I have to attempt to verbally express certain aspects of it in order to come to terms with where I stand.  It’s been a rough road and I’ve arrived at a time to consider the good and the bad and decide whether to stick it out or cut my losses.  It’s been a year, after all, and I think we’ve had sufficient time to really try to get to know each other.  

I hate to use the term ‘love at first site’, but suffice it to say you’ve appealed to me since the day I met you.  From your aesthetic beauty to the never-ending list of delicious things to eat to the warm welcomes from strangers, you’ve effortlessly shown me your natural strengths and beauty for which my appreciation has yet to wane.  With this being said, I’d be remiss to say our relationship is anything close to perfect.  We’ve certainly had our fair share of disagreements – but that’s part of any relationship.  You throw me curve balls consistently which, if nothing else, always keep me on my toes. 

Sometimes I think you still just don’t understand me, despite how long we’ve been together.  I’m the definition of an introvert and yet every day you push me to act otherwise.  Sometimes I appreciate it and sometimes it makes me want to strangle you.  Either way, it’s exhausting.  I wish you could appreciate me for who I truly am sometimes instead of always pushing me to be something I’m not.  It’s not you, it’s me – but I’ve tried to help you understand as best I can.  I appreciate your efforts, and I’ve learned and grown from the experience, but I need time to myself – no people, no talking.  It’s not you, it’s me.  I hope you can understand.  We’re fundamentally different, and while opposites often attract in the most beautiful, complementary ways, we might have to agree to disagree on this as I don’t see either of us changing much in this area anytime soon. 

Communication is an integral part of any relationship and, let’s face it, we’ve had our fair share of breakdowns.  I can take the blame for some of this of course, and I have no doubt that language differences or misunderstandings will likely continue through the end of my time here.  But I have to ask:  why, when I spent our first few months together learning how to speak, do you now speak to me mostly in a language that is so much different and harder to understand?  I feel like I spent the first 3 months getting to know you and then I moved to site and saw a completely new and different side of you that only confused me.  I just wish sometimes you could empathize with me and understand how hard it can be.  I can say that our discourse from the beginning up until this point has improved dramatically, and it’s nice to look back and see how far we’ve come.     

Our fundamental differences, coupled with countless miscommunications and misunderstandings have consumed my thoughts at many points throughout the last year, and as much as I hate to admit this, it’s an important part of my experience and our time together.  I came here with so much to offer and often fear that my knowledge, experience and education are severely under-utilized in my time here, which has caused numerous bouts of extreme frustration and disappointment.  I’m so much more than just another farang here to teach English and yet many times I think that’s the only way you see me.  I overhear explanations that I’m here to teach English and it breaks my heart a little bit.  I know you don’t mean it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt just the same.  I say this from a place that cares so deeply about youth development that I just want to be able to cultivate the things we call ‘life skills’ that I know from experience can provide support and understanding to the already challenging course of youth and adolescence.  I just wish you would try to understand. 

I’ve realized, at many points throughout our time together, that we might want different things – a common theme in many failed relationships and separated partners. 

Certain things about you are still confusing to me – I’m quite certain you feel the same way.  Why can’t I buy beer between 2pm and 5pm, but I can buy it before noon? 

I’ve realized at many points throughout our time together that we might want different things.  It’s a common theme in many failed relationships and separated partners, but in just a year you’ve managed to make me a better person, and I think that’s a critical component to any successful relationship and something for which I’m continually grateful.  You’ve helped me pursue things I otherwise disliked or was afraid to try.  The fact that you could help me become a runner is still amazing to me, and I truly appreciate it.  You’ve introduced me to so many new things, people and ideas that have given me a multitude of experiences, memories, and thoughts to take with me no matter where I go. 

All things considered, sometimes a relationship is wrapped up in all the little things that make it great:  an over the top enthusiastic greeting from the kids, the smiles you never hold back, a bag of fruit from a neighbor, a short but meaningful Thai conversation with a stranger while traveling, a well-timed compliment about my language skills, thumbs up from a car full of monks or a cheer from a yai while I’m out for a run, a really good mango, an impromptu game or activity with the kids that turns into something special – this list could go on for days, and for this I am always grateful.  The little things are what bring a smile to my face or pick me up from a bad day. 

As long as you continue pushing me to be a better person, I’m here for you.  I’m not sure what the future holds for us but I’m looking forward to making new and different strides forward and seeing how our relationship progresses in the next year.